Sunday, December 31, 2006

My little warrior is gone - From Rocio Montagner

I can't begin to explain the pain both physical and emotional pain I feel as I tell you that my little angel, my little soldier who did not want to stop fighting, did not want to stop living has died. Yesterday at approx 4:30pm he took his last breath as we held him in our arms and told him we loved him. He had been suffering so very much! His last days were so horrible, he did not look like himself. The horrible cancer, the horrible tumor that invaded his little head had caused both eyes to loose control and he could not close his little mouth. When I looked at him I felt so sad and at the end the last day Kelvin lived I threw myself in his room and hugged his little doll "Kelvin" and begged God to take him! I could not allow him to suffer any longer, not for me! I wanted his to live so badly but not like this. NO CHILD should go through the pain and suffering he has, NO HUMAN BEING should! I can't understand WHY? Why like this? I somehow felt responsible for his suffering since I could not let him die! I continued to ask myself "When is it enough?" When will the suffering end? As I left Kelvin's room I lade by his side and whispered in his ear "Its going to be all right, I spoke to God and told him it was time, you must stop this fighting and rest. You have gone through so much and God will take care of you." I could see by his breathing and how he struggled so very hard to tell me he was listening. I kissed him and held him and told him not to worry, that mommy, daddy and baby Zacky would be all right. I had prayed that he would go peacefully and that he would suffer no longer. My prayers were answered as I looked up from the hospice book I was reading I noticed he needed to be suctioned when I finished he let a long sigh and stopped breathing. No more pain, no more suffering he had suffered so very much! He was gone. I felt peace in the begging but as I felt his little head get cold I knew that my baby had died and I would no longer hear him tell me "Mommy, I love you". Pain so much pain it was gone and he could now play and run like he use too! He looked like Kelvin again, he even smiled as to say "Mommy, daddy I can run, I can play, I can breath and the pain is gone!" HE WON! HE WON HE IS MY HERO! He looked like an angel, like he was asleep. He is asleep waiting for us to come home someday.
There are no words to describe the sadness that I feel, that Frank feels. He once again is my rock, the man who held me as I crumbled. Watching them take Kelvin was the most horrible feeling, knowing that he would be alone, knowing that he would not be here by by side. As I awoke this morning I looked around the room and saw "Kelvin the doll". A woman who lost her child to cancer made a rag doll to look like Kelvin and every time Kelvin had to go to the hospital and I would stay to care for little Zacky he would hand it to me and say "Here mommy, here I am so if you are feeling sad or lonely hug me so that we can be together!" I would hug the doll and hug him and tell him that I thought the doll was great and that I would hug it but that I need the real "KELVIN" that I needed to hug and kiss him and tell him how very much I love him! What is left now is the doll, I can't seem to let it go, I can't seem to be able to breath, I just can't believe he is gone.
Full of Pain & Sorrow

1 comment:

Lisa Rhea said...

Kelvin is an angel now watching over you and Frank and Zack. I know he wants you to be happy. He has touched the hearts of everyone who knew him...he and your family will be in my heart forever! You have done so much more then any human could possibly have done for their child...that must be the reason you were his mother and Frank his father...there was nothing you didn't took care of him when no other person could go had courage when no one else are all amazing...he is smiling on you in heaven...and you will see him again...his presence will be here forever.....
i am praying for you and your family....Lisa