Sunday, January 21, 2007

Another Flower in God's Garden - From Rocio Montagner

When you live in my world, the world where you know people with cancer, you find yourself so broken hearted. Cancer an unforgiving disease, it does not matter if you are rich or poor what color, religion or sex you are, not even if you are a child or a grown up! It happens. Well in our journey this terrible journey of ours we met some pretty wonderful people! I remember a friend telling me once "Don't get involved, just go do what you are suppose to do and then go home! You will end up getting hurt!" But how can I do this? Me? If you know me you know that this is impossible! I love people and yes I get involved!
In our journey we met the most wonderful women, Sandy. She was so beautiful both inside and out! She had these sparkling eyes and well we just fell in love with her and yes she fell in love with Kelvin. We were fighting the same horrible battle. Unfortunately she too lost her battle to cancer but she won the Kingdom of God, another flower for God's garden.
Tomorrow we will attend her funeral and it breaks my heart to know that she fought as hard as she could but just could not conquer the monster, cancer. Kelvin got Sandy hooked on his favorite snack "Pirate Booty"! When we would go for our appointments he would hide a bag under his blanket and would say "Sandy, I have a surprise for you! Close your eyes" and she would and he would pull out the bag for her! I will always remember this. I bet you when she went to Heaven Kelvin was waiting with a bag of Pirate Booty for her! This is what Kelvin would do!
As for me, I have had better days! Yesterday after crying for a while Frank asked me "Bad day?" all I could respond was "No, bad life". I do my best to remind myself what a warrior I raised, how strong and fearless my little angel was but not me, I can't help but be so very sad. There is nothing more to do but to cry and hurt. I just miss him so very much! When I see all that we have done, all the plans that we have made all the dreams that we had, they all included Kelvin. Again this house seems so big so empty without my baby. I went into his room and I again smell his pillow and his sheets and it if he was still here. But I know that he is gone. There is a picture of him and Billy that hangs on his wall and he is so happy and I close my eyes and pretend that he is sitting on the floor with his PlayStation playing and laughing! Like he did so many times before. But when I open my eyes he is not there, just his picture. I ask myself almost every minute "How can I survive?" I just don't know. Zacky keeps my heart beating at this point, he dances and laughs and it is this that makes me survive. Frank does his best to keep going, he too tries his best to keep busy but every so often I see a tear and he too fights to survive. It is all a dream a horrible never ending dream and we just can't seem to wake up.
Struggling to Survive,

No comments: