Friday, January 26, 2007

Legal Confirmation - From Rocio Montagner

It has been 26 days since Kelvin passed away, I can't help but continue to pray and hope that there has been some sort of mistake that it did not happen. Today we spent most of the day with our friend Manny. He is always so full of joy and positive advice and well he just makes us feel good. He loved my Kelvin so very much and you can tell in his voice and in his eyes when we talk about all the good times our families have had together. There have been some pretty difficult days. Tuesday was a bit difficult, first Zacky was so excited in his speech class that he threw himself back and his head hit me in the eye. Yes I am walking around with a black eye! I know that it has made it a conversation piece to say the least. I wore sunglasses most of the day. I picked up the mail and there it was, a card from the Disney Cruise. I clutched the card and all I could think was how much my little angel wanted to go and this was just another reminder of the failure I have felt because we were not able to make his wish come true. I think I must have cried over an hour just wishing we had gone. The next day after breakfast Zacky had the card and kept pointing at Mickey, I took a look at it and looked at Frank and we decided that we would take Zacky when he turns 4. I think Kelvin would approve!
When we got home tonight we picked up the mail and there it was, legal confirmation of what I knew but did not want to be reminded, Kelvin's death certificate. I just sometimes don't know how much pain must a parent endure? It is legal confirmation, public record so that everyone who cares to know, knows! Yes, Kelvin is dead, it happened and now there is a legal document to prove it! The fantasy that I sometimes choose to live, is no more! I won't ever wake up from this nightmare, he is not staying with family or friends, he is not in the hospital getting his chemo treatment, he is gone! I can never hold him again, I can never feel his warm little head and kiss it, I can never again hear those words that I miss so very much "I love you mommy". Never again, it is all gone taken away by a horrible monster, CANCER! I hate the word, I hate the beast that took my innocent little boy! It hurts so much to face this reality! I know that some of you know what I am talking about because you too have lost your child, but those who have not will never understand.
Just when you think you are able to exist without you find out that instead of it being easier it gets more difficult. It was quite a blow for Frank as well, I could see his eyes filled with tears as he read Kelvin's death certificate. He tries to be so strong, so very strong but I see that he has taken quite the beating. I tell him its okay to be sad, its okay to cry but I see that he does his best to remain strong.
Time they say is what makes the wound heal. Time, just give it time. I know it will take many weeks, months and possibly years before the hurt will feel better.
Praying for strength to endure the "TIME" it will take heal.

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