Thursday, January 11, 2007

Trying to survive - From Rocio Montagner

As the days go by the horrible, horrible truth becomes more of a reality. As the days have gone by I am feeling the loss of my baby more and more. The week we were planning Kelvin's funeral kept me busy and preoccupied making sure everything was like it should be, like Kelvin would have wanted it. When the week was over, the service, the last day of visitation it hit me. This is really happening and I can't do anything to stop it! My baby, my little soldier is gone and I will never be able to hold him, kiss him or hear him say "I love you mommy". He is really gone. Sunday the last day of visitation when it was time to go I just wanted to hold him in my arms like I had so many times before. But I could not, he was there lifeless not being able to move. I remember staring at him so hard hoping his little chest would start going up and down signs that he was breathing once again. But he was not, and he would never breath again. I remember kissing him and touching his little hands, I just felt every little finger just like I did the day he was born, making sure he was all right and he had all of his 10 fingers and toes. I keep praying that he is good with God sitting on his lap perhaps trying to sell him a glass of lemonade? I don't know all I know is that I miss him so very much and it hurts so very much! The only consolation I have is knowing that he no longer has any pain, that will no longer have to take a pill or have a shot. This gives me comfort knowing that he is resting now.
Why do children get cancer? Why isn't anyone doing anything more about it? Why is this wonderful country spending more money on horrible wars than they do in curing cancer? We can send a man to the moon but we can't cure cancer why is this? I can sit her for hours pondering this and still I am in the same place that I started not having any answers to these questions I ask. All I know is that this should not be and it is.
I continue to pray for my little angel and I pray that he running and laughing and is happier than he has ever been. I pray that the pain in my heart, in Franks heart is lessened with everyday. I pray that I am able to sleep a full night not waking up to check if this is a horrible nightmare. I pray that I am given the strength to do what I am suppose to do to full fill my destiny. This is what continues to give me strength, believing that some good will come and that Kelvin's memory will bring good in many people.
Praying for Tranquility,
Love Mom

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