Thursday, December 21, 2006

Why Do You Love Me? From Rocio Montagner

I remember when my little Kelvin asked me "Why do you love me?". If he could talk and ask me this once again I would remind him that the reason I love him is that he is the one and only Kelvin and he is mine!
He is mine and Gods and it looks like God has decided he wants our son back, that maybe he has bigger and better things planned for him and that his journey is done here on earth with his mommy and daddy. Kelvin has fought so hard but now he has developed a large lump on the top of his head. Looking at it I just felt a dagger threw my heart, I know exactly what this means. The shunt that was placed in his head to drain the fluid has clogged and is not working so it is a matter of time before his brain gets filled with water and it will stop sending messages to the rest of the body, his heart, lungs etc...
I sit facing him while behind me I listen to Gospel music sung by children. I think this is the only thing keeping me sane at this moment. My sister brought our little Zacky for 2 days and took him back with her. I was so afraid of confusing him or making him feel that he was the reason mommy cried so much. When he was here he did do everything possible to make us laugh and he was so loving and this made it just a little bit easier but now he is gone, everyone is gone. We are alone just the 3 of us and it is so quiet, you can just hear the oxygen machine and Kelvin breathing. This is why I am playing the songs, so I can keep my sanity.
Giving up, what exactly can I do at this point? I can pray and ask you all to pray. Again I hate to think of life without my angel. How can I ever enter his room without dyeing inside. How can I walk through this house and not think of him? He is here all around us. His pictures, his toys and his scent. I sometimes want to run away in hopes of this not being a reality but I can't. I want him to hear my voice to feel my kisses and to feel that mommy has loved him more than any human can ever be loved. All those beautiful memories that will never fade, that will never stop even if his little heart does he will be with me forever.

No comments: