Monday, January 15, 2007

Keeping Busy - From Rocio Montagner

The days seem to go on and I just don't know how I seem to make it through sometimes. We try so hard to keep busy but when we sit down to have a meal we just feel it so much! We feel the pain knowing that Kelvin is not sitting with us having lunch. I continue to put his Sponge bob place-mat on the table as I did every day before he died. I hate the silence, I hate thinking and try to fill my brain with so many things just to stop missing my little angel.
This Saturday my sisters all got together and made dinner for us and invited some of Frank's family. My nephew who is 9 and well Kelvin's favorite cousin felt so sad. He was so use to playing PlayStation with Kelvin. My sister saw how sad he was and called her neighbor so that her son could come and play with him. Once his friend was gone I could see how much he missed my Kelvin, he layed in bed so very sad, I tried to console him and told him how much Kelvin loved him and that he will always be Kelvin's favorite cousin! I also told him that Kelvin is watching over him now. I could see the pain in his eyes and he tried so hard to fight back the tears. As I told him this, I wanted so much to believe this! Sometimes I wonder if my little angel realizes how much we love him and how much we miss him! I notice that everyone is so afraid to mention Kelvin's name. I think they are so afraid that I will burst out in tears or that I will be upset. I want to educate YOU ALL!! We as Kelvin's mommy and daddy want to remember Kelvin! As a matter a fact if you do not mention him it like you have forgotten he ever existed and this is my worst fear! Kelvin LIVED and I believe that he changed so many of you! This is why I want you to continue to talk to me about him, I want him to be REMEMBERED!! He is my HERO and hero's are not forgotten! Yes I will continue to cry because I just can't stop, I must cry every few hours because I miss him and love him so much!
We continue to schedule busy projects hoping that we will be exhausted and have no other choice but sleep, but this has been a challenge. It was 4:20am and Frank was tossing and turning and finally I told him I too was awake and just could not sleep. It is almost 1:00am now and I have been cleaning, doing laundry and still can't seem to be tired enough to sleep! I pray that one day it will be a routine, I have not had a good night sleep over a year now, always worried always stressed out that something horrible would happen and it has but now it is even more difficult because this horrible thing happened and there is no way out of it! When you have a problem you think, and think of a solution and you won't sleep until you find it! Well I can't find a solution, there is no solution! One day the sleep will come, one day it will be a routine again!
Now I lay me down to sleep, pray that God my child he will let me keep. I say this because I am now having nightmares about loosing my Zacky, how could this be?? I ask myself if this is a sign of some sort or is this paranoia? I just don't know but again pray that God will let me keep my little child that I have left.
Our home seems so big now, we were 4 and now we are 3. How can this be? I remember when Kelvin went into remission and his Make a Wish granters came to the house he asked them for a "Big House"! They laughed and said "So what's your second wish?" Frank and I promised ourselves that we were going to make his wish come true! And we did! We moved 1 1/2 hours away in order to afford the "Big" house. Frank's commute went from 25 minutes to 1hour and 45 minutes! This is how much we wanted to make Kelvin's wish come true! And we did! Now we are left with this "Big" empty house. Zacky tries to fill it but it needs Kelvin to be complete. I sometimes listen really hard in hopes of hearing Kelvin's little voice but it's gone.
Praying for some peace of mind,

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