Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

I ran across this item while searching through the web and I felt it was too funny not to post. In all seriousness, it would probably work.

Toilet Cleaning Instructions:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,
The Dog

The Lost Art of Conversation

Has this ever happened to you? You are listening to a friend, coworker or family member talk about what ever is on their mind, usually a problem. You are courteous, maintain eye contact and you let them know by your responses and body language that you are interested, and at the time, you really are interested. Twenty minutes pass by, and your neck is getting a little stiff, and you decide to comment on something they said, but as you open your mouth and attempt to speak, they suddenly talk louder, until you give in, still trying not to be rude, you continue listening, again you try to speak and they give you the “look”. You know the look. It’s the look that says YOU are rude or that THEY disapprove of YOUR interruptions. They may even say to you “Excuse me I’m talking”

On and on they go Ad Nauseam . Finally, after an hour or more has gone by, and now along with a stiff neck, your shoulders are now aching and sagging, your facial muscles are stiff and numb, your vision has become blurred and you have a slight double vision and you can no longer be sure if your fake smile still looks real, he stops talking and you begin to speak. No sooner do you begin to speak than his eyes start to wander, he starts to fumble with something that has caught his attention and he (or she) is clearly not interested in anything you have to say. Now you get the “look” again. You know the look. It’s the look that says YOU are rude or that THEY disapprove of YOUR constant yakking. They may even say “Excuse me! I don’t have time to sit here and listen to you talk” and away they go, leaving you in mid sentence.

Cell phone users are the worst offenders. My good friend Ridge over at “Ridge’s Place” has covered cell phone users on his blog but it deserves to be repeated here briefly. Almost without fail every time I have a “Conversation”, and after listening to someone talk until my ear falls to the ground, and just as I begin to speak, their cell phone rings and they answer it. Now they give me the “Look” again. You know the look. It’s the look that says “Dude, I’m on the phone” or the index finger goes up as If to say “Give me a minute”. So you stand there thinking it’ll just be a minute, but they keep walking further away. You hear them talking loudly and laughing and it occurs to you that your friend has not given the caller a chance to speak yet either. It may be a while. Now you have a decision to make, Do I stand here like a dummy and wait for who knows how long or do I walk away.

It happens while on the phone too. Someone calls to talk to you, and I mean that literally too, they have no intention of listening because as soon as you begin to speak they say "I Gotta go man!” and then they hang up.

That is not conversation my friends. I am not an just one big ear. It makes me wonder how some people get as far as they do in life. Webster’s Dictionary defines a conversation as: “Speech used for informal exchange of views.”. American Heritage Dictionary describes it similarly as “The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk.” and lastly Dictionary.com says a conversation is an “informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words; oral communication between persons; talk; colloquy.” In other words it takes two to Tango! A conversation should be free flowing. There are times when someone is overloaded and has to get something off their chest, understandable, but that is something different, that is when being a good friend and a good listener is important.

Think back to some of the really good times that you have shared with people. Chances are that a good conversation was involved somehow. Like an equitable deal, a good conversation should make everyone involved, feel good, as if what they had to say was important enough to be heard. While being a good conversationalist does mean being a good listener, it also means being fair and not taking advantage of a good listener. It means showing a little courtesy. Sometimes it means keeping your mouth shut. I guess what I’m really trying to say is don’t make me grab your nose and start twisting just to get a word in edgewise!

A Couple of Jokes

Yankees-VS Red Sox

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankee's fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.'' OK, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?. The Red Sox. Why's that? Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans,so I'm a Red Sox fan too.'' That's not a good answer,Bobby. If your parents were both MORONS, would you be a MORON too? NO, that would make me a Yankee's fan..

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo,North Dakota...

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo,North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. ''Look, he said,lets have a little game,I'll ask you a riddle, If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink, If you can't then you buy me one, OK. ja dat sounds purty good, said the Norwegian. The Indian said my father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it ? The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said , I give up. Who vas it? ''It was me, chortled the Indian, So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his Cronies, Sven, he said. I got a game,If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't you have to buy me vun. Fair enough said Sven. Ok the Norwegian said' my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn my brudder. It vasn't my sister who vas it? Search me said Sven. I give up, who vas it? The Norergian burst out, vas some Indian up in Fargo,North Dakota.

A Little Christmas Humor

Atheist in the woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground . He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Good Husband

Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff Christmas Party. Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Vicki".

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Adam asks, "Son, what happened last night?" Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed "Leave me alone, I'm Married!!"


Broken Coffee Table $239.99.


Hot Breakfast $4.20.


Two Aspirins $.38.


Saying the right thing, at the right time, PRICELESS!!!!

SARCASM (WORDS TO LIVEBY)

1. THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES BEGINS WITH A BROKEN FAN BELT AND LEAKY TIRE.

2. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES IF YOU'RE ALIVE, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF CAR PAYMENTS.

3. IF YOU DONT SUCCEED, SKY DIVING IS NOT FOR YOU.

4. IF YOU LEND SOMEONE $20 AND NEVER SEE THAT PERSON AGAIN, IT WAS PROBABLY WORTH IT.

5. GENERALLY SPEAKING, YOU AREN'T LEARNING MUCH WHEN YOUR LIPS ARE MOVING.

6. NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TAKE A SLEEPING PILL AND A LAXATIVE ON THE SAME NIGHT. (THINK ABOUT IT)

7. EXPERIENCE IS SOMETHING YOU DONT GET UNTIL JUST AFTER YOU NEED IT.

8. A CLOSED MOUTH, GATHERS NO FOOT.

9. SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE BUG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE WINDSHIELD.

10.ITS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE DAWN; SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO STEAL YOUR NEIGHBOR'S NEWSPAPER, THATS THE TIME TO DO IT.

Why you should never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelicts intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”

Frequent Flier Miles

This guy is earning his miles the hard way!

Optical Illusions

Click To Play

Find the faces

Click on the picture for a larger view.

Don't Be Fooled!

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT? IT IS POLITICALLY CORRECT!!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter

is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."

Dear Lord

Life: Explained

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

Magical Hands

This is an awesome video. It was sent to me by my cousin LISA VELASQUEZ and I thought it was worth sharing. Make sure your speakers are on.

More Jokes

WELFARE JOKE

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know,
I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,
meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. You will be expected to wine
and dine her with an unlimited budget.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bullshittin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started
it."



Irish Bingo

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of
London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a
full-length mink coat.
Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin'an'
it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I
won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's
back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the
taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same
exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"
Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back.
This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with
matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains
that
she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to
freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water
in the bathtub.

Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after
being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask
you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin'
yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
You can never fool Mom.

MARRIED FOR A NIGHT

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Excuse me miss, I'm sorry to bother your, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I am awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That is a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The Blind Man and the Blonde

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by
mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders
some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
only fair -- given that you are blind, that you should
know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nope, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Are we there yet?

A Little Humor

Life, kids and generalized insanity

NUDITY. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


HONESTY. My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


OPINIONS. On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP. A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


DRESS-UP. A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

SCHOOL. A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"


BIBLE. A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"




SOUTHERN GRANDMOTHER ON THE WITNESS STAND

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."